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A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
I show my age when I`m in a club with all the 20 somethings.. Guess its because the last dance step I mastered was dancing like Gene Gene The Dancing Machine
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.