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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I believe in equality. If we have five days of work, then we should have five day weekends as well.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
I`m not the type of person you want to put on speakerphone.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Job interview tip: repeatedly ask if you`re under oath
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?