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I just called. To say. I texted you.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Now it`s too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
No, I would not like to join your exclusive membership rewards club. Iām buying a sandwich.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
If they made a movie of my life, it would just be a lot of scenes where I`m looking for something to wipe my hands on.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.