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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I sent one of those swabs off for DNA sampling. Apparently, I`m 50% Crest, 25% Denture fixative, 13% kebab, and 12% Rum.
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
If I haven’t embarrassed myself in front of you… don’t worry, it’ll happen.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches