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Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
I`m not Unemployed, I`m just taking my next job`s vacation in advance...
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
I don`t think I can call myself an adult until I can accept the fact that "dry clean only" is not a dare.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.