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I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting . . . I nearly couldn’t finish my sandwich.
Is it really necessary for the first square of toilet paper to be glued down?
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in a court of law someday.