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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I`m sure you already know, have a great time!
I can’t even imagine the self control required to work at a bubble wrap factory.
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?