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FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I think my guardian angel drinks.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
I´m really bored but too lazy to do anything about it.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.