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People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
can´t seem to find love. but its okay. I know exactly where the beer is.
Honestly, I`m so awesome that I wish I could meet myself and get my own autograph.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
This status is mine....I licked it.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
I’m not saying I need to manscape, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinocchio has joined the Taliban.