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They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
I forgot to make a resolution, so I`m pretty much going to just write out everything I did last night and add the word "stop" to the beginning.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a super-villain.
Getting to places would be so much easier if I had a helicopter.
I`ll call it a smartphone the day I yell "Where`s my phone?" and it yells "Down here! In the couch cushions!"
How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
If Jesus was the son of Mary and he was the Lamb of God, Does that mean Mary had a Little Lamb?