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If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.