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Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
I like to keep my friends close, and my attractive friends even closer.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
lol I rotfl
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid people
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.