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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Days are short in December but spending them with family really stretches them out.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
If you drink enough tonight, you won`t have to lie when you call in sick tomorrow.
The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!