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Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like