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I do whatever the little voices tell me to do.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
The hardest part of being a gentleman is going to all of these gentlemen’s clubs.
I can`t stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I`d be successful and happy by now if it wasn`t for them!!!!
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
I`m a multi-taking procrastinator. I can put off all kinds of things all at once.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"