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I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I always push when I should pull. I have doorlexia.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
When i see a person hailing a cab, i run quickly by them and slap them a high five just to boost their enthusiasm!
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`