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Got caught up in a really good book last night. I didn`t stop coloring till 2 o`clock this morning.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I`m confused, oh wait, maybe I`m not.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Decisions decisions ... Guess I`ll drink on it.
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.