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I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
How to know you have a sunburn: Smack the spot. If you scream in pain, its a sunburn
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
It’s 2015, why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great
A group hug in my family means someone wants to use you as a napkin.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.