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I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
I knew the fun part of my life was over when my friends started getting pregnant on purpose
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Tell a girl she pretty she`ll believe it for a minute. Tell a girl she has Miley Cyrus` butt she`ll believe it for a lifetime
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.