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Some people are normal. What an awful, boring existence that must be.
K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.
I was a huge tomboy. Like, I had barbies, but only because my ninja turtles needed bitches.
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
You`re not laughing out loud. You know it and I know it
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
I react to "Someone has tagged a photo of you..." in the same way I react to a doctor saying, "Your test results came back..."
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
"If your reading this, I think your awesome!"