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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
If anyone every texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from State Farm"
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
They don`t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
There’d be less accidents if there was a texting lane.
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair. Made of steel. Twice. From Hulk. On adrenaline rush.
I really like ceilings,.. I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.