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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and its just me laughing at my own jokes.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I`m not saying your cat doesn`t care about you, I`m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well.
If you’ve gauged huge holes in your ears and don’t keep Oreo cookies in them for snacks then what the hell’s the point man?
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.