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New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person. ..apparently they call THAT stalking.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.