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liquor stores should sell Shamwows.. I bet they would conquer any challenge alcohol can conjure up. spills.. puke.. all kinds of messes.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Scott Baio is not a part of the Presidential transition team. I’m really disappointed that Charles is not in Charge of anything.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.
The awkward moment when someone deletes their comment on facebook and you look like you’re talking to yourself.