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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Sugar` is the only word in English that starts with `su` and sounds like `sh`. I`m sure of it.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Working from home and HR already cited me for sexual misconduct.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
I`m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of sh!t, but she broke into someone`s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
OMG this is Freaky! Have 8 beers & 3 shots, go to your phone the next day, press ‘Recently Dialed’ & the name of your crush will appear!
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.