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I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
Remind me why I work 40 hours a week to be this poor?
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.