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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
In movies, do actors wear costume underwear? Or underwear from home? The whole thing is confusing. I don`t think I can keep watching movies
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
My New Years resolution is always don’t die. So far so good.
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
We Should Have A Way Of Telling People Their Breath Stinks Without Hurting Their Feelings. Like: "I`m bored, let`s go brush our teeth"
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
if your looking for love sorry to disappoint you im already in a relationship with fun and freedom. :-)
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
In the morning there`s a huge difference between 6:00 and 6:05.