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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Take your age. Subtract 3. Then add 3. That is your age.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
You can always tell a lot from that first kiss, especially when they say things like "please stop" and "who are you?"
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I`m available if anyone needs me to ruin a good thing before it even starts.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.