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I have a feeling I already know which direction my "Get rich or die trying" lifestyle is headed.
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
I only call them yoga pants because Netflix and eat leftovers pants was too long.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
If you want funny, get off Facebook and watch the news...
So... Where does one obtain minions?
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.