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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Never scratch your a$$ with chocolate on your fingers.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
They`re having a Jamaican hair-do day tomorrow at work. I`m dreading it.