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I just called. To say. I texted you.
Let me check my giveashitmeter ... nope nothing.
I can’t wait until I get that job at Starbucks because I’m going to spell everyone’s name wrong so they can’t instagram their cups.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day. This is doubly true if you are a man.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…