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I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
If you ask me, every Friday is a Good Friday.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
No heel is too high when pointed up at the ceiling.
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
For just 3 cents a day, all of my followers can help me quit my job...
Did you know? If you put your finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Packman!
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?