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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
is in his own little world but it´s okay they know me here.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.