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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I`ll bet Amish people look forward to Thanksgiving since it`s the only time their clothes look festive.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.