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I just saw a hot mom at McDonalds spank her kid after he threw his fries on the ground, so I threw my fries on the ground too.
In Store Special - "You`re My One and Only" Valentine`s Day cards... 4 for $5...
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
What idiot called him Alexander Graham Bell instead of Lord of the Rings
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Dear human, you get mad when i wake you up and also get mad when i dont. Sincerely confused, Alarm Clock.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)