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Teamwork is just another way of saying we will soon be sharing in the blame equally.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
why do i feel like you are reading this
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Seriously, it’s almost 2014, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!