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They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I keep having this recurring nightmare that lasts 8 hours a day, Monday through Friday.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Police officer: Ma`am do you know why I pulled you over? Me: I`m just as confused as you are.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.