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Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
Sรถ รฎ hรจรฃrd รฟรดu lรฌkรช gรนรฟลก with รกcรงeรฑts?
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
When I`m in a bathroom stall, please don`t yell "Oh my God oh my God there`s a guy in here!" Respect my privacy.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
i only drink on days that end with y
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer