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Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Apple is looking to expand its market share among Latinos. No word yet on the release date of their newest device, the iCaramba.
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.