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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
Girls probably spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Congratulations! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air: Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
my entire life is a "had to be there" moment
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Male camel toe? Dude that`s just nuts.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.