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When you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It`s only painful and difficult for others. The same applies when you are stupid.
I had the urge to clean my place today so I laid down until the urge went away.
I´m not lazy, I´m just highly motivated not to do anything.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?