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Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
If I had a dollar for everytime I was distracted, look squirrel!
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you’re a terrible person and had it coming.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.