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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
I like to say "Do I smell popcorn?" right after I fart ..that way everyone quickly takes a deep breathe.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.