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I put "extremely organized" on my resume and I don`t even remember what folder I saved it in..
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
My doctor said I`m healthy enough for sexual activity ... I`m just not attractive enough.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.