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Sit-ups are my favorite form of exercise because I get to lay down every few seconds.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
If those Febreeze commercials with rooms filled with stinking, rotting garbage convince you to buy their product. Here`s a heads up for you........ You need to clean your freaking house!!!
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.