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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Every paper towel commercial just reminds me that the cleanest option is to just not have children.
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I don`t know what I`d do without coffee...Probably twenty five to life in the state penitentiary.
Your trophy wife is more of a participation trophy wife, isn`t she?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.