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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Yeah but why do they call him Bigfoot if both of his feet are the exact same size
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.