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Nothing makes you feel more like a kid than the right breakfast cereal. Lucky Charms for me please!
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
If I lean to the left. I am not trying to whisper in your ear. I`m married. I`m gonna fart.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
Do you think regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh crap! It’s the cops!”?
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?