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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
My mom likes playing this game called `yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can`t hear her`.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.