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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Word for the day is asstard
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.