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My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
My cardio is shopping.
Life is Hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Had a pizza today without extra cheese. Dieting is hard
Okay, I am getting really irritated. This is the 5th ATM I`ve been to today that`s had "insufficient funds".
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I don`t fear death... It happens to everyone. I just hope when I am dead and buried, I don`t vote Democrat.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"