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Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
If money grew on trees, Congress would actually care about the environment.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.