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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I think stupid people were put on this planet to test my anger management skills.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
Strip search? ... Fine, but I`m going to need some background music.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from your neighbor`s house is genius.
When someone says "Happy New Years" I wonder, how many years are they talking about?
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time