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How can so many movies be “based on real events” when no one farts?
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."