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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I`m a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker
That message felt like a great idea until I hit send.
High fiving was the original "like".
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
The biggest cause of cancer in mice is research.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords