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A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
I need a hug right now also five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
First Ebola case in USA , and the Walking Dead starts next week... brb gonna go buy a crossbow.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.