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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.