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why earn money when it comes easier when you just ask
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
Liking something on Facebook instead of commenting is like nodding at someone in an elevator instead of saying hello.
The only people who care about my college degree are the college loan people.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.