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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
3 things I will never understand: 1. The meaning of life. 2. The universe. 3. How Spongebob & Patrick made those sounds effects in that box.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Sorry for accidentally karate kicking you. Sorry for high-fiving everyone who saw it.
Since my girlfriend has gotten pregnant alot has changed... Like my name, address and telephone number.
That`s a horrible idea ... What time?
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
My car is equipped with the best anti-theft device. I call it "No air conditioning".
Seeking one night stand. I might need two though, I do have a lot of books.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.