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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Maybe early risers just aren’t as awesome at sleeping as I am.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Was sitting, doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Every day is St. Patrick`s Day when you`re a drunk who likes to pinch people.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…