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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
I love you all so much right now because, well, alcohol.
"May the 4th" be with you!
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
At this stage of my life, "Good in Bed" means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
The only clubs I’m into are sandwiches.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading "Hungry Hungry Hobo"... I shouldn`t laugh right?
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...