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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Why is it when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a deserted island?" , no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
It`s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I want to sleep tighter
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
My wife is driving me to drink. I hope she remembers to pick me up when I’m done.