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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
If you don’t count any of my failures, I’m quite successful.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
Don’t judge me until you’ve walked a mile with my shoes….shoved up your a$$.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes, could you pick me up some booze on your way back?
"Crazy" is just another name for "Someone who knows how to have fun"
When you send food back to the kitchen, you`re basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation