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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Yet another advantage of being single. All I bring to Thanksgiving is empty Tupperware...
If anybody out there happens to have my voodoo doll, can u please scratch my balls. I happe to be in a public place at the moment.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
If you don`t believe that women will actually fight over a pair of shoes, you`ve never watched The Wizard of Oz!
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Some questions just answer themselves. Like, sit-ups or pizza?