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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Ladies, when it comes to stalking, I`m 100% behind you.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I`m honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
I`ve had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven`t grown any crops.
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!